The Life of Severus Snape
by PianoAshes
Summary: Lost in memories he's so deparately trying to block, will Severus succeed when faced with his biggest task yet- facing his past, the painful memories of his lost love and his old home. And when an old friend shows up it's clear that nothing is as it seems
1. Chapter 1 Back to the old House

It was late... late and very dark. I walked briskly on down the winding, cobbled lanes which were dimly lit by street lamps. The unwelcoming orange glow was something I hadn't ever truly forgotten. The lost memories seemed to sweep through me, like ghosts passing through, causing me to shiver a little. I gently pulled the hood of my cloak over my head as the rain began beating down a little harder than before.

The street was completely deserted; not at all as I'd remembered it... The very last memory I had of this place was that of terror and panic. Witches and wizards of all ages ran in fear; ran for their own lives…

Deserted as it was now, there were so many memories. I vowed that I would never again return here. I vowed that I would never again return to the very place that caused us so much anguish. And I vowed that I would never again... come home... That was indeed many moons ago, however. Circumstances had changed and so had I.

The rain continued to fall as I trudged on up the hill. My cloak, by this time, was completely soaked, but this fazed me very little.

'Sir?'

A voice from behind startled me. I spun around to see whom the voice belonged to- though I recognised that voice; I already knew.

'Potter?'

'Professor...' Harry Potter panted. 'Dumbledore... he wanted me to tell you that... there's been a change of plan, sir!'

'What?' I snapped. 'What on earth are you talking about, Potter?'

'Sir, Dumbledore sent me to tell you that you are not, under any circumstances, to enter the old library! You are to return to "the place it happened" to find what you need.'

'What?' I spluttered, shaking my head in disbelief. '...Entrusting _you_ with such information... The fool!'

'Actually, he didn't tell me anything,' Harry muttered. 'He said that you'd understand the meaning of the message, though.'

I snorted. 'So... you're Dumbledore's new owl then, are you, Potter?'

Harry scowled.

I understood the message all too clearly, though I knew not of the reasons. The plan had been a set plan for months and Dumbledore was changing it last minute without even giving me a single explanation! ...

'Well, now that you have fulfilled your purpose here, Potter, you are to return to the castle,' I said coolly. 'You will inform Professor Dumbledore that I have everything in order, you understand?'

Without waiting for a reply I continued my journey through the rain, keeping a brisk pace. I was heading towards the old, abandoned house through the forest. The house that had once been my home... _our_ home. Dumbledore meant for me to return...? After all that I had told him and he expected me to return to the house?

'The thing is, sir,' Harry called, jogging alongside me, struggling to keep up. 'I've been sent to assist you with something... Apparently you know what-'

'_You_... are to assist... _me_?' I spluttered, coming to a halt.

Harry said nothing.

I stood frozen for a moment, allowing my hood to fall to my shoulders and the heavy rain to drench my already dampened hair. For a moment I felt nothing, and then it slowly began to sink in. 'Dumbledore... sent YOU... to assist ME? ...HERE?'

'Trust me, I'm about as thrilled about this as you are,' Harry said sourly. 'But Dumbledore insisted.'

'But... WHY YOU?' I exploded. 'Of all the people that Dumbledore could have assigned... And he chooses YOU!'

Harry said nothing, but simply narrowed his eyes. The strong dislike we shared for one another was quite visibly mutual.

'I do NOT require your "assistance", Potter,' I said sharply.

'But Dumbledore asked me'-

'I don't care what Dumbledore asked of you, to be perfectly honest. I no longer share your faith in him... after tonight... And I want YOU out of my sight!' I growled. 'NOW!'

'Fine,' Harry retorted. 'You can explain that to Professor Dumbledore.'

'Fine!'

With that I turned around and strode on up the hill, not even glancing back.

I couldn't believe it... After all that had happened... After all that had been said and done... and Dumbledore expected this of me? How much more did he want from me? How much more could I give and still hold myself together?

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there, right before me, stood Dumbledore. I leapt back in surprise.

'I suppose you already know why I am here,' Dumbledore said softly.

'Albus...' I mumbled.

A frown creased the old man's brow. 'Severus, why in times of crisis have you always turned your back on the ones that seek to assist-'

'I don't NEED any "assistance"!' I spat. 'Especially not from _him_!'

'Severus, you must understand that Harry is not'-

'I do not need anyone's help. No one's ever been there when... Well, before.'

Dumbledore hadn't moved and I could feel his cool blue eyes burning into mine. It was almost too much to bear. I turned away from the old man's analysing stare. He had already seen far too much.

'I cannot believe... that after all I've told you... you expect this of me!' I said after a few moments.

'Severus,' Dumbledore began slowly, 'at times we are all faced with things that we have no choice but to'-

'Do you honestly believe this to be some silly little fear that I'm simply unwilling to overcome?'

'Well, no. I appreciate that'-

'WHY HERE, ALBUS?' I cried. 'Why, of all places, must you send me here? And to this... Why the change of plan?'

'I cannot tell you yet, Severus.'

'Why not?'

Dumbledore said nothing and began to walk slowly towards the old house. I followed instinctively.

The house, despite the decay, surprisingly had changed very little on the outside. But remnants of the last night we had spent there were still evident. The windows had been smashed and the walls were now beginning to crumble. But it still felt the same and if I closed my eyes I could be there again. If I closed my eyes I could return to her again... my love. These memories were bittersweet, however, and that was what hurt the most.

'Severus, you have to go in,' Dumbledore's voice broke through my thoughts. 'You are the only one now who possesses the'-

'I know!' I snapped. 'But... you expect me to just... We aren't even certain about this!'

'This is true. But we have to try!' Dumbledore insisted. 'It is the only direction we have left to take.'

'But it isn't! There is still'-

'You must do this, Severus. You must.'

'I... I can't...' I whispered. 'It's enough simply standing here this evening. I cannot go inside... Not now... You know, Lily wouldn't have-'

'You have no other choice, Severus!' Dumbledore said sharply. 'And you know full well that... Well, that She would not have wanted to see you like this...'

I said nothing.

'You know, Harry has been faced with much more'-

Just the mention of Harry's name here, and after he had mentioned Her, made my blood boil. 'Do NOT bring him into this!' I snarled. 'If he's really such a hero then go and'-

'You know why I cannot'-

'So you would actually choose Harry over me if given the choice?'

Dumbledore chose to discard my question. 'If you have a shred of decency in you, Severus, you would do this- for the sake of Hogwarts at very least!'

Before I had chance to retort, however, Dumbledore had disapparated and I was left alone... as always.

The rain was still coming down hard and I was still completely soaked. The temperature was dropping too, though I felt too numb to feel the cold.

'I really have no choice but to do this, do I?' I said to myself silently. I knew my reasons for fearing this return, but from an outsider's point of view I could see how ridiculous it might have seemed. I could almost see James Potter and that smug expression he wore so often. I could hear his taunts echoing in my mind. Useless, pathetic, weak! No...

With that last thought I took a deep breath and strode boldly toward the old house. 'Lumos!' I muttered- my wand held out rigidly in front of me.

Broken glass crunched audibly beneath my feet as I stepped in through the old oak door and into the decaying hallway. It had once been so welcoming and still was in a strange sort of way even to this day. We had always been welcome. The door had never been locked, for only we knew of its existence. Only we could enter it. Only we could see it...

My heart began to sink as my thoughts drifted further. What a fool I had been...

I eventually managed to compose myself a little. There was little use in dwelling on the past, 'what's done is done,' as She would say. Though I knew not of what she would say to this. Would she hate me if she were here now?

_It was the middle of July and we sat quietly by the lakeside. She was doodling idly on a piece of parchment and I was watching her intently, analysing her as I analysed many that intrigued me so. Now and then she would meet my gaze and... I would fall... She had me... She always had done... Had I really been so blind before?_

'_Sev,' she said, gently pulling me down from the cloud on which I had spent my entire afternoon. 'How are things? I've been meaning to ask for a while. You seem... a little distant at the moment.'_

_It took me a moment to realise that we actually hadn't spoken all day and that she was in fact speaking to me now. Had I really said nothing at all? Not a word? I knew it was true and I knew the reasons, but when I thought about it... My cheeks flushed a light shade of pink._

_It took me a second or two for my brain to realise that she was actually waiting for a reply. 'I... Well, I'm alright... Thanks,' I mumbled. _

_She simply nodded and then, with a gentle smile, she turned to face the lake and began writing on a fresh piece of parchment._

_I turned away from her for a moment in an attempt to compose myself a little. How silly I had felt when I first realised the mistake I'd made just that short time ago. But now I felt worse. How stupid could one really be?_

_Once my thoughts had become a little less tangled I began to realise that it was strangely silent. As I looked around myself I soon learned that we were almost completely alone. The only sound that could be heard was the gentle breeze through the trees... and, if I listened carefully enough, the sound of a heartbeat... that belonged to her..._

'_So...' I said, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible. 'How are things with you? I... haven't asked.'_

_She turned to me and my dark eyes met with hers once again. Those eyes of hers had always dazzled me so... _

'_Not too bad, thank you for asking,' she replied. 'Well actually... To be honest, I've been a little worried about... something...' she stopped._

_My heart skipped a beat. 'What? What is it?' I found myself almost begging. Her worries were now mine too; we were one. Though, she wasn't to know. She couldn't know._

_Had she found someone else to share her time with? I had seen her eying the Gryffindor table... I had watched her intently after that, analysing her every movement for any sign that might indicate that my worst fears may had indeed been realised._

_She looked at me for a moment- her cheeks had turned a rosy pink. _

'_What are you worrying about? Please will you tell me?' I asked again, possibly seeming a little deranged. But she wasn't mine. She had never been mine and I had to remember that..._

'_Well...' she mumbled. 'I've... Well, I've actually been worrying... about you.'_

'_Me?'_

'_Yes,' she said, absently twiddling with a stray lock of her long hair. 'I mean... well, I've been wondering if... everything is... alright... What I mean to say is, I've been wondering if things perhaps didn't go too well the other night and... well, I feel that I may have been partly to blame for that.'_

'_The other night...' It took me a moment to fully understand what she meant._

'_Yes, well... I'm sorry if it didn't...'_

_That was really all she was worrying about? I began to smile for the first time in almost a week. 'No,' I shook my head. 'Listen, I want to take you somewhere.'_

'_Take me somewhere?' She repeated a little taken aback._

'_Yes,' I replied grabbing her hand and pulling her away from the lake and toward the Forbidden Forest._

'_Severus! We shouldn't go in'-_

'_It's alright,' I assured her, 'we won't actually be going into the Forbidden Forest, and if we get in trouble then I'll be the one solely responsible, okay?'_

'_That's not what I'm worried about,' she puffed. _

'_What is it then?'_

'_I... I haven't any shoes on!'_

_I grinned, glancing down at her bare feet. 'Is that all?'_

_She smiled back at me._

'_Well, I could...' I stopped midsentence, realising what I had very nearly just said. How stupid! Carrying her! She wouldn't want that! It was completely inappropriate._

_She looked at me, and I looked straight back at her with an awkwardness that was undoubtedly visible._

_Without another word I lead her down a narrow path that, presumably, circled the whole of the Forbidden Forest. We followed the path for a short while and then I led her to another, less clearly marked path that led up a grassy hill._

'_Where exactly are you taking me, Sev?' She spoke evenly, but I was unsure if I might have detected a hint of fear in her tone. I did not wish to scare her, that was never my intention, but I wasn't about to ruin the surprise. Although I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to make her see..._

_When we reached the top of the grassy hill we stopped._

_Before I could say another word, she gasped, her gazed fixed on what should have been nothing more than thin air._

'_You can see it too?' I whispered._

'_Of course I can,' she replied. 'Such a beautiful house... Who do you suppose owns it?'_

'_Wait,' I breathed. 'You can see it?' _

'_Why? Shouldn't I be able to?'_

'_Yes, I mean, no... Well... you see, this house has had an unknown ancient charm cast upon it,' I began. 'I've researched this kind of stuff. Only certain people can actually see it- very few, in fact. I don't fully understand it, but I know for a fact that even Dumbledore knows not of its existence.'_

_I paused for a brief moment in order to regain my breath. 'This house appears to be of a similar nature to that of the room of requirements back at Hogwarts,' I went on to say. 'But it is deserted... Well, it was before I found Dani, a house elf.'_

'_You... you mean to say that... this house, a lot like a wand, will choose its owner?'_

_I nodded. 'I think so... Though, unlike a wand, it appears to be able to choose more than one single owner.'_

'_So that must be why I can...' her voice trailed away._

'_That must be why you can see it...' I nodded, seeming to lose all fear I had, just hours before, been hopelessly riddled with. 'And... the house chose me, so it's my house... Well, it's _our_ house now... and I'd very much like to... to share it with you... And maybe one day...One day...'_

_We both stood for a moment, gazing into each others' eyes. At this point I knew that there was only her... to anything else I was blind. The moon could come tumbling out of the sky at this very moment and I wouldn't even blink because all that mattered to me now was her... _

_... _


	2. Chapter 2 Dani the House Elf

What a mess I'd made of everything... Now it was too late. But then, perhaps it had always been too late.

Suddenly a shuffling from the next door room could be heard, followed by a familiar voice. 'Hello?'

This should have surprised me, but very little truly did nowadays.

Without a second thought I strode briskly into the next door room. The place was a wreck. Paint was peeling from the walls and half the ceiling had come away. From what I could tell birds now nested in the rafters. Other creatures such as rats and foxes seemed to inhabit the house now, also.

What had become of my home? ..._Our_ home...

'Master... Master has returned!'

The small, but familiar voice from below startled me. I glanced down and there, looking rather cold and ragged, stood a little house elf. Her big blue eyes gazed up at me fiercely.

'It has been so long, Dani is not knowing if Master is ever returning again,' the house elf squeaked. And, with a click of her fingers, light spilled into the dingy, deteriorating room.

'Dani?'

For a moment I was unsure how I felt. I was happy to see her again, as she was living proof that there had indeed been a time when I was happy. I also felt a little sad knowing that she was bound to this house, almost as I was, and had been living in these conditions all this time. She didn't look at all well, her big, round eyes were hazy and looked to be sore. Her clothes appeared to be damp and ragged... As I looked down at her bedraggled appearance, I began to feel a little, what I recognised to be, a hint of guilt.

'Master,' Dani spoke calmly. 'Dani is not preventing Master's house from falling into such state of disrepair. But Master should know that Dani is trying her hardest.'

I nodded, once again taking in the condition of the room.

'Dani is managing to keep master's bedroom in order, though,' she said taking a low, respectful bow. 'Dani is making sure that no foxes or rats is ruining Master's precious belongings.'

I nodded again in acknowledgement and with that allowed Dani to lead me back into the dark hallway. What had once been so grand and warm was now so cold and empty... but memories kept it alive somehow.

We made our way carefully up the old staircase. The stairs creaked and groaned beneath our feet in protest. Their time had passed, but then again, so had mine... So had ours...

'Dani is trying to keep Master's house tidy for when Master is returning, but Dani is having trouble. Dani did not know if Master is still alive,' Dani squeaked.

I stepped in front of her and onto what was left of the landing.

'Master must be careful,' Dani said. 'Some of the floors is unsafe even if Master is using magic.'

I did not reply.

'Surely Master is wanting to see his bedroom again.'

'Very well,' I muttered. My head was at this point swimming in thoughts and emotions that seemed incomprehensible. The only thing I really recognised was, strangely enough, fear.

It was not like the troublesome fear of the dark I'd suffered when I was just a little boy. Nor was it the fear of this very house collapsing in on me- although I should have perhaps been a little more cautious, no one would be able to help if anything should happen to me. Not whilst I was here.

This fear was perhaps one of the worst I'd ever suffered, and gradually increased as we approached the door to my old bedroom. What was I about to see? I began hoping that, like the rest of the house, it was damaged beyond recognition. Because after all this time... what if it lay unchanged? What if...

The door slowly opened with an almost musical creek; I stepped into the spacious room cautiously, watching my feet for once. When I saw the room I let out a gasp of horror as I became aware that my greatest fears had been realised.

The large room, despite laying empty for so very long, lay completely untouched by time. Everything was exactly how I remembered it- even the window was still intact, the same certainly couldn't be said for the rest of the house.

'Nothing...' I let out a slight whimper. 'Nothing... has... changed... at all...'

'Dani is making sure she is keeping Master's room immaculate,' Dani said with a proud nod. 'Dani is the only one now Mistress is no longer here.'

I winced at the mention of Her, bracing myself for the tumble. I felt as the whole world that I had spent so long building around this mess came crashing down. I clung desperately to the last bit of hope I had of sanity, but it was all in vain. Now there was nothing left to shield me from the grief and memories that flooded my head...

_It was midwinter and a thick blanket of snow covered the land. We were standing at the top of the hill by the house. Twilight was settling over Hogwarts and we were about to make our way back to the castle. If we were caught we would be in trouble, but this troubled neither of us. I was with the one I loved most and that was all that mattered to me._

'_Sev,' she whispered to me as we walked on down the hill towards the Forbidden Forest._

_I turned to her, but the light was fading fast and I could see very little. 'Lumos!' I whispered, my wand held out in front of us. 'What is it?'_

'_How do you feel right now?'_

_I paused... How did I feel? I was here... with her... Right now I felt untouchable... I felt alive and... _

'_Happy...' I realised._

'_Me too...'_

_I smiled to myself as darkness continued to fall upon us._

'_I... I... well...I think... I...' she faltered._

_I waited patiently, keeping a steady pace as we continued on down the narrow path towards the castle._

'_I... want to tell you something...'_

'_What is it?'_

'_Well... I like spending time with you and...' she paused for a brief moment and then continued. 'I... I really like you...'_

_I froze. Had I heard her right? Had she just said that she... really liked... _me_?_

'_Sev?' she whispered._

_I couldn't move. I felt frozen- like how I imagined the snowman that we had watched James Potter and his friends build earlier that day must have felt. Had she just said that she... liked... _

'_Please... say something...' she pleaded._

'_Did- did you say that you... really liked... me?'_

'_Well... yes...'_

_My cheeks flushed scarlet. 'And when you say you... like... me... you mean... like... _really_ like... me... Like'- _

_Before I had a chance to say anything more she leaned forward and pecked me lightly on the cheek. I thought my heart was about to leap out of my chest._

_The next thing I remembered was her grabbing my hand and the two of us sauntering off towards the castle, grinning like the fools we undoubtedly were..._

I remembered it as if it were only yesterday... I remembered watching her for hours as she sat in this room and sketched things that held such mystery for me on parchments that were once scattered all over the house decoratively. I remembered hearing her laughter and seeing her smile...

_It was winter time again, this time however, we were a little older. We'd left school and had been trying to decide what we were to do next._

_Snow covered the land once again, making the house seem almost fairytale-like. The windows were frosted and icicles hung from the window frames, catching the last of the setting sun and glistening brightly._

_I sat by the window and watched her as she gently placed her most recent drawing on the bed with a light sigh. She turned to me and smiled. My heart swelled with affection for her._

_Without a word she padded lightly across the room and sat beside me by the window. Once upon a time, ironically, her being so close would have scared me to death, but now I was getting used to it. The only thing I truly feared now was losing her._

'_It's beautiful, isn't it?' she said softly._

_It took me a moment to realise that she was referring to the view. From this window Hogwarts could be seen shrouded in white- our time there seemed so brief now._

'_Severus,' she spoke softly, reaching for my hand. _

_I turned to her, meeting her gaze. _

'_We'll think of something, sweetheart. For now we have enough to live on. We'll be perfectly fine as long as we're here.'_

_I had been so mesmerised by her gaze that I had quite forgotten what I had previously been so anxious about._

'_I know we will,' I smiled. 'And we shall always be fine, for we shall always be here... Right here...'_

_She laughed lightly, 'nothing's forever, Sev.'_

'_I know,' I sighed. 'But... well, for as long as we live.'_

'_Yes...'_

_..._

'We were happy once...' I whispered.

Dani shook her head sadly. 'Mistress is not coming back, sir.'

Suddenly a new emotion boiled up inside me- anger, I realised. I knew it was irrational and I knew that yelling at the little elf who had been nothing but loyal to me was wrong, but I could no longer restrain myself.

'WHY?' I roared. 'WHY KEEP THIS ROOM ALIVE? WHY NOT LET IT DIE WITH EVERYTHING ELSE?'

'M-master is a-angry with D-Dani?' the little house elf stammered, taking a small step backwards.

'YES, I'M ANGRY!' I bellowed. 'I SPEND ALL MY TIME- I'VE SPENT ALL MY LIFE TRYING SO DESPERATELY TO HOLD MYSELF TOGETHER AND I COME BACK HERE AND... AND YOU...'

'Dani is sorry that she is not making Master happy! Dani is only trying to do what is right!' she cried, bursting into tears.

'Just get out,' I said through gritted teeth.

Without another word the little house elf scurried away sobbing violently.

Why? Why after all this time? Why now? If only Dumbledore knew...

I collapsed onto the bed with a deep sigh. I knew what I needed to do. After all this time... I would not allow this to break the life I'd worked so hard on building. The trouble was I was building upon graves. Ghosts would come back to haunt me eventually, it was simply a matter of time. Inevitable as rain... as death...

Just then, I saw a few bits of parchment that caught my eye. I reached down carefully for them.

They were, what appeared to be, letters. I recognised them immediately, for it was I who had written them.

_Dear Lily,_

The first read.

_I'm so sorry... – I made a mistake. I would never have said what I said if I had only known... __You didn't have to-__ Please forgive me. I would never want to harm you in any way, I'm sure you know that. __And you can't avoid me forever! _

_...I want you to know that... I care about you very dearly and... I miss you..._

_-Severus_

I shook my head. What a mistake I'd made. I should have realised it then...

"You need to realise that there is only one thing you can truly be certain about in life and that is uncertainty. Never assume that nothing will change, we are living in a changeable universe," She had once said to me, although I didn't understand it then.

I shook my head and went on to read the next letter.

_Dear Lily,_

_I know what I wrote before about James and I'm really sorry. But sometimes you make me feel like I'm in the wrong for simply being myself. Do you really want me to be exactly like him? ... __You know, I could say the same about-_

_Just think about it._

_I hope to see you soon, I really do miss you._

_-Sev_

The last letter was probably the most memorable. It read:

_Dear Lily,_

_This is the last letter I will be writing to you, (no doubt you've had quite enough of them). I do not expect you to return here, but I implore you to see reason. If we do not sort this soon we are endangering all that we hold dear. You of all people should understand that._

_I have spoken with Dumbledore... but... Well, you know how he is with me. I need your help, Lily! Please._

_I hope everything is alright with you, by the way._

_Missing you, as always._

_-Sev_

I tossed the pile of letters aside. 'Oh, Lily...'


	3. Chapter 3 The Silver Fox

I shook my head. Why did it have to be this way? That girl had driven me to insanity! She had pushed me over the edge. Those eyes... Even in death they haunted me so. And the question that still lingered was- why did I still care for her?

I sighed. 'What's done is done,' I muttered my lost lover's words under my breath as I picked myself up off the floor feeling nothing but the dull throbbing of my heart.

So much had happened here, and it had been so very easy to get in touch with my old self. It was safe and comfortable, like an old pair of shoes, but then dark and depressing, like a reoccurring nightmare. I had outgrown these tatty old shoes and it was time to remind myself who I was now. 'I am Professor Snape, Potions master at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry,' I told myself. 'And I am here on Professor Abus Dumbledore's orders.'

I knew that there was worse yet to come, for I knew the place in which it was hidden. I had to enter the room. I could retrieve it no other way. A summoning charm would be useless for it was too well protected. But I had made it this far and it would be exceedingly foolish to give up now.

Reluctantly, I stepped out onto the landing, shutting the bedroom door behind me. There was no turning back now. I was to seek out what was necessary and I would then leave this house and return to Hogwarts- where I was to complete my final task.

Slowly, and very carefully, I crossed the landing toward the room in which I knew it was hidden. At this point I was particularly aware of the danger in which I was placing myself. Any degree of misjudgement on my part could be fatal.

Every step I took drew my mind into a certain state of awareness that seemed to drown out the sorrows that had been recently reawakened. I was now numb. Distracted by danger. It was almost relief, but I feared that it was not to last.

I approached the little door warily, and, focusing solidly on simply putting one foot in front of the other, I reached carefully for the door handle. I was aware at this point that any sudden movement could potentially bring the whole house down, me along with it. But this was not enough to keep the memories away.

Suddenly there was a horrendous crack from below. For a moment nothing happened and everything was still. But then, with an eerie groan, the rotted floorboards beneath my feet gave an ominous shudder. My heart stopped dead and before I had chance to react I felt myself falling.

It was then I heard the very thing I had been dreading the whole time I had been here. I heard what I had been so desperately trying to block. A thousand voices in my head all whispering to me... Whispering her words to me... _Whispering her name... _

After that there was nothing. Just silent, cold blackness...

'No!' A squeaky voice pierced the darkness. 'Master! You has to be alive!' The voice cried hysterically.

I could hear the voice of Dani, the little house elf, but I could see nothing. Nothing at all. Like my mind had been completely erased. Like _I_ had been completely erased. Like I simply ceased to be. Everything was black. Just black. Why was everything so black? And my mind was so still and silent. Why so silent? Too silent. Even when I was numb my mind was never this silent. I had never been so still. I had never felt so... dead...

'Master!'

Suddenly my eyes flew open, reality smacking me in the face, and there, staring right at me with her big, blue eyes and tears streaming down her face, was Dani. She was kneeling at my side, clutching at my robes, staining them with tears. I had never seen her so distraught.

'Dani?' I croaked.

'Master!' She balled. 'Master... m-master is alive! Master is falling so far! Dani is thinking that master is d-dead!'

My head was swimming at this point. Nothing made any sense at this moment in time. The shock of it all had me seemingly paralysed.

I gazed up at the gaping hole in ceiling though which I had fallen. So I wasn't dead. A dull throbbing in my back and ankle were beginning to come to light, but other than that I was very much alive. A small, cowardly and rather stupid part of me was a little disappointed. Death had taken so many others, but why not me?

'Master?' Dani murmured, staring down at me. 'You isn't too badly hurt, is you?'

I lay silent for a moment, still processing the question. Was I badly hurt? I wasn't actually certain.

Slowly, and very carefully, I pulled myself up into a sitting position. My back proceeded to throb dully, but I was quite certain that it wasn't broken. Aside from a few cuts, and bruises I appeared to be in one piece.

'Master is alright?' Dani squeaked timidly.

I nodded. I was alright- that is to say, I was still alive.

It was then that I realised that I had yet to complete my task. I had still to walk back up those stairs and cross that landing safely to get to the room in which I knew it was hidden.

I unsteadily got to my feet, pain shot up my left leg. I winced as my left ankle began to throb unbearably. I instantly shifted my weight to the other leg. It was quite possibly a fracture, I realised, but there was very little I could do about it now. I would wait for the assessment of Madam Pomfrey once safely back at Hogwarts. It was really nothing I couldn't handle.

'Master,' Dani said, a solemn look appearing on her face. 'You is not thinking about going back up there, is you? It is'-

'I have to, Dani,' I cut in. 'I have no other choice.'

'But Master, it is not safe! You is nearly dying!'

'It is of the utmost importance!' I snapped. 'And if I do not do it now then I know I never shall; for I shall not be returning her again.'

'N-never?'

'Are you really so blind? Are you really unaware of how much it pains me?' I shrieked. 'The sooner I'm out of this place, the better'-

I stopped. Perhaps I had been a little brash to the elf who was bound here and had no way out.

'M-master, Mistress is gone but Dani is still here. Dani is never leaving, sir.'

Before I had chance to respond Dani was gone and I was left alone, standing in a pile of rubble.

I was aware that I had quite likely committed an error, but I could find Dani at a later point in time. Right now the important thing was the completion of the mission to which I had been assigned. I was NOT a coward. Dumbledore's assumptions had always infuriated me, but the fact was he didn't know the truth. He could never know the truth. It was quite likely that he would misunderstand even if I could explain to him. In some areas the man was a genius, but in others he was oh so blind.

With a sigh I reached into my pocket for my wand. 'Reparo,' I muttered pointing the wand up at the gaping hole in the ceiling. Instantly the ceiling proceeded to repair itself. The rotted floorboards mended themselves delicately, flying back to their original state. I watched with a slight satisfaction, momentarily abandoning my woes.

The strange thing about this house was that things could not be prevented- they could only be mended when it was too late. I had never truthfully been able to understand that.

With a deep breath I hobbled out into the dark hall and up the old staircase once again. As I climbed the stairs I began to realise just how lucky I had been, for I could hear the words of Albus Dumbledore now if I had of failed- "Ah what a pity... Harry could have done it."

'Of course,' I grumbled to myself as I crossed the safe part of landing to the room in which it was hidden. 'Harry can do_ anything...'_

When I reached the little oak door I carefully turned the handle; the door swung gently open with a soft, melodic creak. Managing to block my thoughts temporarily, I strode boldly into the dusty old room. I was slightly surprised at how unchanged it was; After all, this room had been very rarely occupied. Despite this, however, it still held many memories for me.

The room was completely empty all apart from a single chair and a small, narrow staircase that ran along the left-hand wall. From what I remembered, the staircase led up into the attic. I knew that what I needed would certainly not be found up there, it would be in this room somewhere...

I closed my eyes for a moment and began gently touching upon memories of the house and of Her. I blocked what I could, trying my hardest to stay focused on my task. What had been happening around the time Dumbledore had got in contact with us- with me? Was anyone else involved? I couldn't recall...

I scanned through each long lost memory with care, searching for any information that would get me closer to what I needed, but to no prevail. It was useless. I knew deep down that it was there and I had been avoiding it. But just the thought of the memories surrounding that memory alone was almost too much to bear. I had to be brave.

...

_It was late in the afternoon and I was alone in the house. Lily was out with James and I had been left alone to think things through. There was something strange about the disappearance of that dragon the week before. Something very strange was happening; something was changing around us- I could feel it._

_Just then there was a flash of light. I watched, wide eyed, as a silvery fox streaked across the room slickly. It eventually stopped in front of me and spoke in a soft, yet instructive, female voice._

'_You know who I am, although you knew not of my existence until now,' it spoke. 'You may not recognise me, or remember me, but I know you, Severus. I watch you. I see you. I will come back to you.'_

_With those last words the silver fox vanished. I stood there silently, calmly attempting to piece together all that I had heard. What was this all about? Who had I known but forgotten? And, more importantly, why did I recognise that voice?_

_..._

This memory, thankfully, wasn't quite as raw as some of the others, for it had very little to do with Her. However, the same could not be said about what I knew was to follow. It was an extremely difficult time...


	4. Chapter 4 Searching Memories

_She stood by the fire, her arms were crossed and her eyes narrowed. This was the first time in my life I had ever seen her like this- she was so angry. She had every reason to be too. I understood. I had never meant to make her so upset._

'_Why didn't you tell me about her?' She questioned coldly._

'_I didn't want to worry you,' I replied. 'I didn't want you to worry about something that I did not think was worth worrying about myself. I never realised she would react the way she did'-_

'_But if you weren't worried about it then why on earth would you think that I should have reason to be?' She interrupted. 'Your misjudgement could also have placed me in a dangerous situation! More importantly, it could have placed _you_ in a dangerous situation and-'_

'_I would have been there to protect you! You know I would!'_

'_You were unprepared yourself, though!'_

_I said nothing for a moment. I did not have an answer; I knew that she knew that I had been concerned about that girl's intentions all along. _

'_If you had just talked to me... We could have faced her together,' she said._

'_I would not have allowed you anywhere near her!' I told her firmly._

'_You can't protect me all the time, you know! If you try you'll only end up imprisoning me!' She expressed._

'_What would you have done?' I retorted. 'If you were placed in that situation?' _

'_I'd have been honest!'_

_I snorted, 'because you're _always_ so honest!'_

_I could see the hurt in her eyes and I regretted every word no sooner had I said it. Things were complicated enough without me bringing up the past._

'_No! Because I thought that we loved each other! Because I thought that we were in this together no matter what! Because I thought that we belonged together...'_

_I looked up at her tear-streaked face- I had never felt so much remorse in my life. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out._

'_Severus, you lied to me,' she murmured._

_When she spoke these words I realised that I had done a really bad thing. I had lied to the one person I adored like nothing else in the world. I hadn't protected her- I had deprived her of the truth thus placing her in a very vulnerable position. _

_She gazed at me through teary eyes. The look on her face alone was heartbreaking._

_I sank down onto the sofa, my head in my hands. 'I'm so sorry...' I whispered softly. A few tears of my own crept from the corners of my eyes and fell silently into my lap._

_She did not reply. It was silent... I was afraid to look; afraid that I would look up only to see that she had gone. I couldn't bear the thought of her not being there. _

_A moment later I felt a warm, gentle hand on my shoulder. I lifted my head and there she was. My heart leapt. She sat down beside me and pulled me close to her._

'_I'm so sorry,' I said, lifting my hand gently to her face. 'You're right, and I won't ever hide anything from you again, love. I promise.'_

_She kissed me lightly. 'I know,' she replied quietly. 'I'm sorry too. I understand why you didn't tell me. Everything's just so crazy at the moment. Something is happening, Sev, and I'm afraid.'_

_I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me. 'It'll be alright...' I whispered. 'I love you.'_

'_I love you too.'_

_..._

The memory brought it all back to me. It hurt to see her face again and it hurt to feel that love we had once shared all over again. But it hurt me more to remember a time when I had been the cause of all her anguish.

I knew I was getting closer to finding what I needed, however...

_It was a warm Tuesday afternoon; the sun was shining and, for once, there was not a cloud in the sky. We were sitting in the garden on the grass, surrounded by colourful wild flowers. _

'_Sev,' I heard a gentle voice beside me murmur, 'I... well, I want to ask you something...'_

_I immediately stopped reading and looked up at her. I heard the concern in her voice and I could see the worry in her eyes. 'What is it?' I asked, anxiously._

'_Well...' she paused._

'_Is everything okay?' I questioned gently._

'_Yes,' she replied, 'it's alright. I just... Well, how can you tell when a relationship is strong enough to move on to the next level?'_

_I looked at her for a moment, puzzled. 'What exactly do you mean? _

'_Well,' she said quietly, picking nervously at the petals of a daisy. 'I think I might be... expecting...'_

'_Expecting?' I repeated. _

'_I think I might be expecting... a baby.'_

_I didn't know what to say; I was in shock. I had not foreseen this at all, but I was pleased for her. I smiled, but before I had the chance to say anything there was a loud cracking sound. I looked up and there, before my eyes, stood Dumbledore. His light blue eyes twinkled behind his half moon glasses, but he was not smiling. The expression the old man wore was a solemn one._

'_Professor Dumbledore!' I exclaimed, rising to my feet. 'This is... unexpected. What business do you have up here?'_

'_Severus,' he said, pushing his glasses further up his crooked nose. 'I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, as you may have already surmised, something is happening and we are all in danger. I must ask for your assistance.'_

_I frowned._

'_I realise that after the way I've behaved in the past you are most probably wondering why you should help me'. _

_I said nothing._

'_I shall not lie to you, Severus, I still stand by what I said all that time ago I'm sorry to say,' he said. 'My opinions, however, are of no consequence, this is so much more important than our... differences. I would not ask this of you if it were not absolutely necessary.'_

'_And what is it that you ask of me?' I questioned._

'_Only for your assistance in hiding the sword, that is all. Your home, Severus, is, or so I have been told, special,' he said slowly. 'It would be the ideal place to conceal the sword safely.'_

'_Who told you about our home?' I snapped. Our home was supposed to be a secret .It had been a sworn secret since we were just thirteen years of age. _

_Dumbledore glanced over his shoulder, 'Lily may have mentioned it to me.'_

_I turned to her. 'You?'_

_Lily stood, 'Sev, It seemed very important and I'- _

'_How... could you?' I yelled. 'How could you reveal such a precious secret? Especially to someone who I do not trust!'_

'_This is Professor Dumbledore we're talking about, Severus!' she replied. 'It must be important!'_

'_You trust him that much?'_

'_I trust him more than anyone.'_

'_More than I?'_

_She did not reply._

_I looked at the girl I had once sworn I was in love with and I frowned. I did not love her. I never would. _

_..._

That was it! I knew where it was hidden! I remembered that day... and then everything that followed... It had never made any sense to hide it here and I had always known that. I only hoped that it was still here. Times had changed and if Albus honestly believed that everything would go untouched by time, he was wrong.

I approached the little staircase. There had once been an under-stair cupboard that was only visible when bathed in moonlight, and I had no reason to believe there wasn't still. However, as the moon was not high and dawn was nearing, a simple revealing spell would just have to suffice.

The spell was successful and the small door under the staircase swung open invitingly…


End file.
